I don't consider myself a Christian. There are many times in my life that I've wanted to believe, but at a fundemental level, it just hasn't ever been possible for me. I still pretend to be Christian around my family though.

When I first decided to stop trying to believe, I took the stance that everything in the universe is explainable by science, but over time, I've grown to accept that there could be aspects to the universe that we're just not meant to understand (even though I haven't really experienced anything miraculous or spiritual that might lead me that way). I think that has just been my way of becoming comfortable with the fact that I won't ever know what happens after death. I once saw a video where a man describes a conversation an enemy soldier has with Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia where the man expects to be sent to "hell" for supporting the enemy and Aslan accepts him into heaven saying something along the lines of "everything good that you did in service of him was really done in service of me, for I am goodness" (this is a really rough paraphrase of a rough quote, so bear with me). This really stuck with me. Over time, I think I've landed in a spot where I feel that: if I live my life with love and compassion and if God exists and if God is goodness, then that should be enough. Call this cope, but this satisfies me in a way that going to church never could.

All this being said, that actually isn't the reason I'm writing this. The reason I'm writing this is that I've become increasingly distraught with how being Christian has effected my family and I fear for a future where I can no longer hide my thoughts on this topic and these differences become irreconcilable with them. There are two moments in recent memory that have really stuck with me.

First, I recently watched the movie Sinners with my parents after I mistakenly said that I had thought it was good when I'd watched it before. This lead to a long lecture about there being a holy, spiritual war for my soul (the implication being that the movie was Satan's way of winning over my soul). In the moment, this was just annoying, but afterwards, it made me very sad. The movie had some beautiful moments and a strong message, but that message was completely lost on my father who simply viewed it as a spiritual attack on his and my own soul. Are Christians not allowed to enjoy art? God created a beautiful world and gave people beautiful, creative minds, but the only time we're allowed to enjoy being here is for an hour on Sundays? All other times, we're meant to be ever vigilant for a holy attack on our souls? This sounds to me like fear. A fear of anything different.

Second, I had my grandparents over (they live out of town and I usually go to them). I really enjoy reading sci-fi and fantasy, and I have a decent collection of books scattered around my apartment. I enjoyed talking about the books I was reading and the ones I looked forward to. I'm happy to share my interests with my family. I love them. They nodded along and all was well. A week later, I get a package from my grandmother with a bunch of items she noticed that I needed (I love how thoughtful this was aside from what I mention next). Included in the package were two books (This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness, by Frank E. Peretti). Turns out that these are "Christian fiction" depicting a dramatization of the same holy war that my father had mentioned. A part of me wants to believe that my grandparents sent me these books as a "we enjoyed these, maybe you will too", but I know that's not what it is. Can I not share my hobbies and interests with the people I love? Does the word 'fiction' even mean anything? Reading Dracula hasn't made me believe in vampires any more than reading the Bible has helped me believe in Christ. Is it wrong to enjoy fiction? Of course not. I refuse to believe that the only reason I'm alive is to look forward to my own death and confine myself to the thoughts of other people that feel the same.

Am I overthinking these moments? Maybe. But when I already feel that I have to hide parts of myself from my family, it nauseating to think I might have to walk on even more eggshells around them. I love my family. We've had our ups and downs, but in many ways, my relationship with my parents is better than it has ever been, but I fear a day where that comes crumbling down because I won't be Christian.

The Chainsaw Man movie is seriously messing with my head. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm missing you again... Sorry about that. I'm sure I did the right thing going no contact for a bit, but... Sometimes I find myself wishing that I drank just so that I could do something stupid and impulsive like texting you. It'd just be nice to have an excuse. What would you say if you knew that's how I felt?

For the last ~week, I've been changing up my habits. The main changes are not being on my phone for an hour before I go to sleep or an hour after I wake and leaving it in another room while I sleep. This has helped my mood so much I can't even describe it. Now I use that time to read a book or sit with my thoughts in the evening. The idea is to just allow myself to be bored sometimes. I think, even outside of these periods without my phone, that it helps make the "boring" things feel more interesting.

The mood improvement is helping me do things that I usually wouldn't feel like doing. Usually, I get into a cycle of letting my apartment get messy -> being sad that it's messy -> being in a bad mood where I don't want to clean. After changing this habit, I've been able to keep my apartment cleaner, longer - which makes me happier.

The other thing that helps is that setting down my phone an hour before bed forces me to plan out when I'm going to sleep. I find myself sleeping at a more regular time and feeling better in the mornings. I have been taking melatonin (which I'm not really happy about) to force myself to fall asleep at a regular time. I'm hoping that I can reset my sleep schedule and then drop the melatonin later.

Kinda got started on a homelab on a mini rack. I just need a mini PC that I can use for self hosting. Even though I'm not using it for much, just having the rack setup is making me really happy :).

I'll be welcomed not because I got it right, but because I was seeking to do what's right with all I had.

There's still a part of me that fears that I've made the wrong choice, that I'll die and be punished for eternity, but I want to believe that if God exists and God is goodness, he won't punish me for living a life loving people and loving the world - even if I can't believe in him. Shouldn't that be enough? Saw this quote in a video and it really comforted me.

I have to meet people, but meeting people requires meeting people. My love, I know you're out there, but I'll never find you.

Copyparty has me thinking more about software that feels like it's made by/for people. Looking for more stuff that feels like that, I stumbled upon tilde.town. That seems like such a great idea for a community.

Saw copyparty on hacker news. Seems like cool software, and I want to try it out.

Just created this site. Every time I want to do a personal project, I think way too hard about it. I care too much how it looks. I care too much that everything is perfect. This site is just here to be simple and a place where I can be myself without overthinking. Let's just start it as a stream-of-thought, and if I end up liking it, I might add more.